If you’re willing to take the time to share your opinion online, it’s often because you have something pointlessly negative to say. This is one of the reasons why the comment section of every post on every magazine or news outlet on the Web is tricky territory: You’re pretty much considered a masochist for willingly reading what countless negatrons and Internet trolls have to say. That doesn’t necessarily apply to online stores – there are thousands of items available on e-commerce sites that warrant love-it-or-hate-it reviews from customers of varying levels of satisfaction, and in the case of Amazon, there are some very cleverly written reviews that warrant your attention.
Here are some examples of the best ones we’ve found:
1. Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer
You might ask, “why in the world would anyone need a banana slicer?” Well, more than 4,000 Amazon shoppers are willing to tell you exactly why. Over 45,000 customers found this particular review written by SW3K extremely helpful:
For decades I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a banana. “Use a knife!” they say. Well … my parole officer won’t allow me to be around knives. “Shoot it with a gun!” Background check … HELLO! I had to resort to carefully attempt to slice those bananas with my bare hands. 99.9 percent of the time, I would get so frustrated that I just ended up squishing the fruit in my hands and throwing it against the wall in anger. Then, after a fit of banana-induced rage, my parole officer introduced me to this kitchen marvel and my life was changed. No longer consumed by seething anger and animosity towards thick-skinned yellow fruit, I was able to concentrate on my love of theatre and am writing a musical play about two lovers from rival gangs that just try to make it in the world. I think I’ll call it South Side Story.
Banana slicer … thanks to you, I see greatness on the horizon.
And who knew that something so painfully simple as a slice tool that comes in the shape of a solitary banana can do something so incredible as save someone’s marriage from inevitable ruin? Mrs Toledo was adequately demonstrative of her gratitude to whoever thought this contraption was a good idea:
What can I say about the 571B Banana Slicer that hasn’t already been said about the wheel, penicillin, or the iPhone … this is one of the greatest inventions of all time. My husband and I would argue constantly over who had to cut the day’s banana slices. It’s one of those chores NO ONE wants to do! You know, the old “I spent the entire day rearing OUR children, maybe YOU can pitch in a little and cut these bananas?” and of course, “You think I have the energy to slave over your damn bananas? I worked a 12 hour shift just to come home to THIS?!” These are the things that can destroy an entire relationship. It got to the point where our children could sense the tension. The minute I heard our 6-year-old girl in her bedroom, re-enacting our daily banana fight with her Barbie dolls, I knew we had to make a change. That’s when I found the 571B Banana Slicer. Our marriage has never been healthier, AND we’ve even incorporated it into our lovemaking. THANKS 571B BANANA SLICER!
2. The Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee
This shirt actually achieved astronomical fame on the shopping site thanks to College Humor’s plea in 2009 for users to show their love to this super-awesome tee. When you delve into the item’s over 2,000 reviews, you’ll see a number of hilarious commentaries, one of the most popular ones posted by Internet’s beloved George Takei (of the Star Trek fame):
This shirt has changed my life! Before, I couldn’t walk through the aisles at Wal-Mart, graze on the buffet at Sizzler, or even take in a round at my local miniature golf course, without people pointing and saying, “Hey, you’re that Zulu guy from Star Wars, aren’t you?” Even if I wore sunglasses, I’d still get mistaken for Yoko Ono.
But with The Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee, the SHIRT now draws the eye. One young teen even shyly approached me, and instead of asking for a picture or an autograph, simply smiled conspiratorially and whispered, “Team Jacob, right? Me, too. He’s sooooooo dreamy.”
Yes he is, young lady. Yes. He. Is.
A user named Frank “The Frank,” however, warns users of this shirt’s too-powerful side effects, giving it a one-star rating and this complaint:
The effect that this t-shirt has on women is pretty impressive. Unfortunately its natural healing powers reversed my vasectomy and I impregnated nine women in two weeks before I realized. They all had twin boys. Now I have 18 sons and spend most of my money on child support and condoms.
3. Uranium Ore
Whodathunk that one could buy radioactive materials over the Internet? Originally intended to test Geiger counters, Uranium Ore is becoming more known for its many, extraordinary uses, two of them discovered by Nero Goldstein:
Picked this up for use in one of my kid’s ‘diversity’ projects in school (great success!), and stuck the leftovers in the cabinet next to the baking soda.
Ran out of toothpaste, and remembered how you’re supposed to be able to use baking soda to clean your teeth, so of course, I accidentally used this instead, and wow! All I can say is, my teeth have never been cleaner! They sparkle, they tingle, and for some reason, they STAY clean now, no matter what. Highly recommended!
However, when I ran out of that fire-ant killer powder stuff, I figured I would try some for that too.
Big mistake!
Boy, it sure did not kill those ants!
Fortunately, those suckers get slower as they get bigger, so I have been able to use a shovel to take care of most of them, one at a time though, the sneaky devils.
And the darn trash man refuses to take them away …
I would have given this product five stars for the teeth and the project on embracing diversity, but I deducted one star because of the giant mutant ants.
Patrick J. McGovern did not like Uranium Ore’s poor packaging and had this to say about it:
I purchased this product 4.47 Billion Years ago and when I opened it today, it was half empty.
4. Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz
It’s highly economical and smart to purchase grocery items over the Internet, especially commodities like toilet paper and milk. This particular brand garnered a response from over a thousand customers, and most of them pretty happy with the quality and taste of the milk. In fact, Edgar loved it so much, it inspired him to write a poem:
Once upon a mid-day sunny, while I savored Nuts ‘N Honey,
With my Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 gal, 128 fl. oz., I swore
As I went on with my lapping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at the icebox door.
‘Bad condensor, that,’ I muttered, ‘vibrating the icebox door –
Only this, and nothing more.’
Not to sound like a complainer, but, in an inept half-gainer,
I provoked my bowl to tip and spill its contents on the floor.
Stupefied, I came to muddle over that increasing puddle,
Burgeoning deluge of that which I at present do adore –
Snowy Tuscan wholesomeness exclusively produced offshore –
Purg’ed here for evermore.
And the pool so white and silky, filled me with a sense of milky
Ardor of the type fantastic of a loss not known before,
So that now, to still the throbbing of my heart, while gently sobbing,
I retreated, heading straightway for the tempting icebox door –
Heedless of that pitter-patter tapping at the icebox door –
I resolved to have some more.
Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
‘This,’ said I, ‘requires an extra dram of milk, my favorite pour.’
To the icebox I aspired, motivated to admire
How its avocado pigment complemented my decor.
Then I grasped its woodgrain handle – here I opened wide the door; –
Darkness there, and nothing more.
Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams of Tuscans I had known before
But the light inside was broken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only words there spoken were my whispered words, ‘No more!’
Coke and beer, some ketchup I set eyes on, and an apple core –
Merely this and nothing more.
Back toward the table turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
‘Surely,’ said I, ‘surely that is something at my window lattice;
Let me see then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore –
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore; –
‘Tis the wind and nothing more!’
From the window came a stirring, then, with an incessant purring,
Inside stepped a kitten; mannerlessly did she me ignore.
Not the least obeisance made she; not a minute stopped or stayed she;
But, with mien of lord or lady, withdrew to my dining floor –
Pounced upon the pool of Tuscan spreading o’er my dining floor –
Licked, and lapped, and supped some more.
Then this tiny cat beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grand enthusiasm of the countenance she wore,
Toward the mess she showed no pity, ’til I said, ‘Well, hello, kitty!’
Sought she me with pretty eyes that seemed to open some rapport.
So I pleaded, ‘Tell me, tell me what it is that you implore!’
Quoth the kitten, ‘Get some more.’
5. Fresh Whole Rabbit
Before you say ewww, hear J. A. KONRATH … buying this item pays for itself!
I bought two, left them alone in the refrigerator for a week, and now I have thirty-eight.
Off to buy a bigger fridge.
George Takei once again regales us with his opinion (he’s actually reviewed a lot of items on Amazon), only for this one, he was disappointed to find out that it was not like in Game of Thrones:
Brad and I were very excited to order a few of these delectable beauties in order to reenact the skinning and spitting-over-an-open-fire scene from Game of Thrones.
Now, I hate to split hares, but …
First of all, it is NOT at all as easy as it looks in that scene. Meera and Osha made it look so simple. But both Brad and I pulling together couldn’t get that damn skin off. The rabbit wound up looking more like Theon Greyjoy’s finger than a rabbit.
Second, apparently you cannot light an open fire in your backyard in Los Angeles. No one told us that. Thanks, LAFD, for understanding.
Third, it pretty much tastes like chicken.
6. David Hasseloff – Looking for…The Best CD
You think after his long stint with Knight Rider and Baywatch, David Hasselhoff would be filed under Hollywood has-beens? Never! This CD has 18 tracks of Hasselhoff awesomeness, and according to most of the reviews, the song “Hot Shot City” is particularly good. Segway Vagynna had this to say about the album, giving it a five-star rating:
There is little doubt now that David Husselshaft is a major force in the music business these days. I’ve already been a fan for many years, but an amazing thing happened recently which I have to share. The doctor said my dog Cherish had only days to live. Desperate for any sign of recovery, I played this CD in the garage for him 24/7, and not only did my dog die, but so did two cats and all of my plants. My neighbor came down with a rare form of stomach virus, the one causes massive cramping and explosive diarrhea. Boy did I prove that doctor wrong!
Oh Captain Awesomeface “My Captain Awesomeface”, on the other hand, thinks the CD is a rip-off:
This CD came in the mail today and I was very excited to finally hear the best of David Hasselhoff. To my dismay however, this album is an exact copy of the “Worst of David Hasselhoff” CD which I already own. Perhaps it’s because Davd Hasselhoff really, really, really needs the money that he’d release a CD which is both simultaneously his best and worst music. Or perhaps it’s because this CD is imported, and somehow people from outside of this country were confused into thinking David Hasselhoff’s worst is really his best. I can’t say. All I know is I now have one too many copies of a David Hasselhoff CD, which puts me afoul of the law. I don’t want to end up on an FBI list someplace or have a court order forcing me to go door to door explaining why I’m a Hasselhoff offender to my neighbors. So I think I’m just going to return this as quickly as possible and buy something from John Tesh instead.
7. Denon AKDL1 Dedicated Link Cable
Anybody with a penchant for gadgetry can always use a good cable in stock, and this brand is definitely one of the most popular ones on Amazon these days. Customers have been experiencing a variety of features, some of them they didn’t expect – Daniel A. Koblosh inadvertently solved global warming locally with it:
After I took delivery of my $500 Denon AKDL1 Cat-5 uber-cable, Al Gore was mysteriously drawn to my home, where he pronounced that Global Warming had been suspended in my vicinity. Yes, I had perfect weather: no flooding, no tornadoes, the exact amount of rain necessary, and he pronounced sea levels exactly right and that they were not going to rise within five miles of my house.
Additionally, my cars began achieving 200 mpg and I didn’t even need gasoline. I was able to put three grams of cat litter into the tank and drive forever. What’s more, the atmosphere inside my home became 93 percent oxygen and virtually no carbon dioxide. In fact, I now exhale oxygen.
One heck of a cable. Didn’t notice any improvement in audio quality though. The $800 Apple iCable is clearly superior.
John L. of Border of Wasteland, Former USA, didn’t have a great experience using the cable, though:
This connection isn’t sound. If my calculations are correct, it should be sometime around 2007 for whomever is reading this. DO NOT USE THESE CABLES. Something … happens with them. Something came through, something from somewhere else. We were overrun in days, not many of us are left. WE LIVE UNDERGROUND! ONLY YOU CAN STOP IT NOW. SAVE US. DO NOT USE THESE CABLES.
I don’t have much time. This connection isn’t sound. If my calculations are correct, it should be–
