“You probably already know this, but we live in a golden era of digital toys,” Colbert said, kicking off the segment.
He then went on to praise his Fitbit, which he never actually uses and Kickstarter projects in general. His current favorite? Vessyl, the smart cup that not only tells you what you’re drinking, but tracks the number of calories you consume while drinking it. Vessyl has been lauded as an amazing invention on several tech sites, including the Verge, TechCrunch, CNet, and more. The technology behind the project is undeniably impressive, but its actual real-world function? Not so much.
Colbert also wants you to know that he’s really impressed with the cylindrical cup design that makes Vessyl look exactly like a real cup.
After showing part of the Kickstarter promo video for Vessyl, Colbert paused and said, “Wait, (Vessyl is) a digital cup that can tell me what’s in the cup and how many calories and allow me to drink it? That level of information was only previously available on the can you just poured it out of!”
But of course, since the smart cup is telling you this pertinent information, that just makes it a million times better.
“I mean there are so many times when Vessyl’s beverage identifying technology will come in handy,” Colbert continued. “Like when you order a Coke, but it tastes kind of like Diet Coke, but you’re not sure…”
After all, that’s happened to all of us at least once.
In addition to being a great service to drinkers everywhere, Colbert says, Vessyl can give you something no other cup can: “your daily recommended allowance of silicon valley buzz words,” the most important of which is “real time.”
Colbert is super excited that he’ll finally be able to make good decisions in real time. “Finally — decisions in real time!” he exclaims. “I’m so tired of making up my mind hours after I’m done doing what I will have decided.”
Colbert also wants you to know that he’s really impressed with the cylindrical cup design that makes Vessyl look exactly like a real cup.
“I mean, is there any aspect of being a cup this cup can’t do?” he asks before mentioning that Vessyl took seven years to design and build. And seven years, as Colbert points out, is a very long time. Longer, in fact, than “the time between JFK’s call to put a man in the moon and the Apollo 11 landing.”
When you look at it from that perspective of course, Vessyl’s “brilliance” just seems sad. But don’t worry, Colbert is making his own Kickstarter project: Toylyt. And boy is it going to revolutionize the bathroom.
As Colbert says, “It’s the first cutting edge e-recepticle capable of handling all your 1.0 and 2.0 downloads … in real time.”
